史前一萬年(10,000 B.C.)髒兮兮帥哥把妹全記錄

這部"史前一萬年" (片商的英文程度一定很糟糕,這明明就是西元前一萬年),看原始人帥哥操著怪異腔調的流利英文把妹浪費了我一個多小時的時間!預告片那隻帥氣的劍齒虎居然只出現兩幕,加起來只有一分鐘左右,真是欺騙我的感情,基於我是個懶人,對這種爛電影不親自寫影評,貼上網路上的一篇英文的毒舌影評加上我很隨意的中文翻譯。

10000bcposter2

Okay, I’ll say it. I’m jealous of writer/director Roland Emmerich to the point of being vengeful. I mean, here’s a guy with absolutely no writing talent whatsoever, yet he has the freedom to make virtually any movie he wants. To put it bluntly, every one of his movies has sucked – sucked hard, in fact. Still, he just continues to be afforded the opportunity to fling his shit at the world like some over-stimulated monkey.

好啦,我必須說我極度嫉妒編導的Roland Emmerich。我是說,有個完全沒寫作天份的傢伙,但他卻可以隨意拍他想拍的電影。說得明白些,他所有的電影都很爛。實際上,他持續有機會在世界上亂扔他的屎,就像個過激的猴子。

It’s one thing to be a producer of shitty movies. It’s another to be a producer of shitty movies and a bad writer on top of it. Jerry Bruckheimer may produce a lot of bad movies, but at least he isn’t also writing them too. He can blame that on somebody else. Roland Emmerich sucks hard at two things. It just seems impossible that he continues to make films. Actually, what seems more unbelievable is that people actually go see them.

當個爛電影製作是一回事,但是同時當個頂尖的爛電影製作兼作者是另一回事。Jerry Bruckheimer 也許製作了很多爛電影,但至少他不是親自寫出這些,所以他還可以怪別人。Roland Emmerich則是兩樣都爛透了。真不敢相信他還能繼續拍電影,更難以置信的是居然有人看他的電影。

Having said all that, I actually debated not giving "10,000 B.C." the dynamite rating because I expected so little from this film that it actually managed to meet my expectations, which is like getting a red, hot poker jammed up your ass and then claiming that "it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would." I guess you’ll have to be the judge whether or not the film sucks as much as my complaining about it. Perhaps I should move on to some evidence.

其實我並不想給他太爛的評價,因為我對這部片本來就沒多少期望。就像你不會想拿一根火燙的棒子塞進屁股,然後再說:這沒有我想像中的那麼痛。我猜你會質疑這部片到底有沒有這麼爛,所以接下來要看些證據。

First, this thing is narrated, by Omar Sharif no less. Unfortunately, that’s the screenwriter’s way of screaming at the top of his lungs: "I have no idea how to tell a story!" The story has to do with some legend about a dude and a blue-eyed hot chick. The main personal hygiene characteristic of people in 10,000 B.C. is that they still haven’t figured out how to come their hair since they all have dreadlocks. They can throw javelins through the hearts of wooly mammoths and they speak pretty good English, but the whole comb thing just hasn’t hit them yet. Frankly, I was waiting for the scene where D’Leh (Steven Strait) and Evolet (Camilla Belle) sneak away to the campfire to woo each other with Jamaican love ballads. Alas, not to be. But since it’s a Roland Emmerich movie, I’m sure it’s on the DVD extras.

首先,這部片是以旁白敘述,但不幸地這聽起來就像在大喊著:我不知道怎麼說故事!這部電影是一個男生跟一個藍眼辣妹的傳奇。這些人都有髮辮,而且看起來有衛生問題。他們可以用標槍命中長毛象的心臟,也可以說得一口好英語,卻不會好好梳頭。坦白說,我期待看到男女主角像牙買加人的舞會一樣在營火邊求愛。但這是Roland Emmerich 的電影,我想這要在DVD中的漏網鏡頭才看的到。

10000bc1 To make a long story short, D’Leh’s tribe is overrun by invaders, much like the tribe was overrun in "Apocalypto", forcing D’Leh to wander the land searching for them while uniting all the peoples of the land to form an army to attack the invaders. During the course of this mission, we discover that D’Leh can talk to the Sabertooth tiger, kind of like a Neanderthal Dr. Doolittle. He frees the tiger from a trap and then asks the tiger not to eat him and it doesn’t. He then teaches a class in tiger communication at the local community college.

長話短說,男主角的部落被入侵,迫使男主角追蹤入侵者並團結所有種族一起對抗入侵者。在這任務中,我們發現男主角就像尼安德人版的怪醫杜立德,可以跟劍齒虎講話。他把劍齒虎從陷阱中放出來還讓劍齒虎答應不吃他,並且在社區大學開了一門與老虎溝通的課程。

Another of the big set pieces of "10,000 B.C." involves D’Leh and his buds, including Tic Tic (Cliff Curtis) being chased around the tall grass by menacing pigeons. As you may well have already guessed, D’Leh follows the invaders to their city, unites all the peoples of the land, and saves Evolet. All this causes Old Mother (Mona Hammond), who’s back in Bedrock, to have a seizure and realize the legend is complete.

這部片有一大段在說男主角跟他的夥伴在長草中追蹤入侵者,然後統一大地上其他種族,最後救回女主角。到最後這一切導致兩件事發生:部落中的老媽媽癲癇發作,以及傳說終於成真。

Actually, as silly as this film is, the worst thing about it is that it’s just plain dull. Even a drunk Mel Gibson can do better than this.

實際上,這部蠢電影最爛的地方在於它是完全乏味的。就算是喝醉酒的梅爾吉伯遜都能作得比這更好。

文章來源:Mr. Cranky的電影評價

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